


Carnation of the Air

by pedromiamor



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Comfort, Couch Cuddles, Hugging, Kissing, Love, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Some Spanish, everyone is okay, more flowers, soft, worried javi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pedromiamor/pseuds/pedromiamor
Summary: Javier almost drives himself mad when Steve disappears. He loses it when he finally turns up unharmed*Connie does not exist in this and Javier did not sell Steve out to Cali*
Relationships: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Comments: 18
Kudos: 37





	Carnation of the Air

**Author's Note:**

  * For [claveldelaire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/claveldelaire/gifts).



> I've been working on this all week because my mindset is very rough at the moment and i couldn't concentrate. sorry for the delay
> 
> te amo

Javier feels cold when he steps outside.

Cold like tiny pinpricks of icicles poking through every atom of his skin, freezing over his blood, constricting his lungs, and dulling every feeling in his limp body.

Cold because when he steps out of his apartment complex building he finds his partner's Jeep haphazardly parked in the driveway with the door open and the keys still in the ignition. 

Cold because the inside of his partner's apartment looks like it hasn't been touched since yesterday morning. 

Cold because no one at the Embassy knows where Steve is. Not even he himself knows.

Cold because Agent Steve Murphy has disappeared. 

Javier's knuckles are white as he grips his steering wheel too tightly driving down the streets of Colombia. He's going far faster than he ever would consider and a bit recklessly too. His fingers itch for a cigarette and his lungs cry out for the feel of the smoke, but he doesn't have time to light one. Steve is the only thing that matters right now.

He doesn't tell the Ambassador that he thinks Steve was snatched. Hell, he doesn't even know who did the snatching. It could've been any of Escobar's men, or anyone in the Cali cartel for that matter. He told Steve it was a dumb idea to try and follow leads on Cali right now. He fucking told him but the dumbass gringo never listens to him. He wasn't careful enough, and Javier always had to pay the price. Whether it was through an ass chewing or drowning his worries in a liquor bottle. 

He's sweating, despite how cold he feels inside, and feels his heart rate picking up speed the longer he goes without knowing where Steve is. His head is swimming with too many thoughts that he shouldn't be thinking. He can't think about Steve's body on the side of a dirt road somewhere while he bleeds out, or Steve tied to a chair with a bullet through his head. He just can't. He doesn't have the luxury or the stomach for it. "He's alive," he constantly repeats to himself. It's the only thing keeping the wall of tears behind his eyes and the bile from rising too far in his throat. 

He's already checked all the local hospitals, churches, morgues, and anywhere else Steve could possibly be. Whether it be alive or dumped for dead. Javier left no stone unturned and searched every inch of the shitty city. He's paged him about a hundred times already and keeps going back past the apartment building to see if his Jeep's moved. Any sane person at this moment would have contacted the authorities, but Javier was no where near sane right now. Contacting the authorities about a missing DEA agent was the last thing on his mind right now. That meant sounding the alarms. Javier was afraid that would alert and frighten whoever had Steve. If that happened, he was for sure going to be burying his partner. 

Javier sits in his truck with his head in his hands after the CIA tells him their contacts don't know jackshit either. He wants to cry, can feel it building up in his ducts like a fucking rain storm, and pulls on the strands of hair hanging from his forehead. He can't break down now. He has to keep it together for Steve, or he'll end up lost too. "Estoy perdiendo la cabeza," he whispers into the tense air, "¿Dónde coño estás?"

Javier's blood feels icy and his skin tingly as he now walks through the halls of the Embassy. He's on his way to speak with the Ambassador, having grown tired of waiting and fretting alone with no news of Steve. He barges through her office doors and opens his mouth to speak, but his words fall short when he catches sight of that blonde hair. He's here. He's fucking right here.

Steve is alive. 

"Hey Javi," he casually smiles at him with a care-free expression. He's wearing the same suit he had on yesterday when he left work and his hair is disheveled. There's exhaustion in his eyes and a little hurt painted on his face. Javier doesn't know what to say, what to do, so he just stands there staring at Steve like he hasn't seen him for a century. His heart rate hasn't slowed and he still shivers with that coldness. "Why don't we have a seat? Talk for a second."

Javier mindlessly follows Steve's lead to the two chairs in front of the Ambassador's desk, not once taking his eyes off his partner. He can't risk letting him out of sight again. He'd rather die than go through the same emotions of today. Javier doesn't listen as intently as he probably should as Steve recounts what had happened. He gathers that Herrera set up his disappearance in order to meet with him. He can't hear much anyway with all the blood rushing through his ears and the fast beat of his heart. His eyes are trained on his own shoes as he shivers yet again with those cursed goosebumps. They can't seem to go away. 

Javier only looks up when there's a hand on his shoulder. A warm hand that immediately dispels all the icy cold from his body, thawing his blood, unconstricting his lungs, and bringing feeling back to his limbs. He meets Steve's blue eyes, so hurt and tired, and finds it's his hand on his shoulder. He's standing beside him with an intent to leave the room. Their conversation must've been over, and Javier doesn't even know what the fuck they talked about. He only knew that for the first time today he felt warm. 

Warm like the sun's rays piercing his very soul with it's everlasting touch of adoration.

Javier follows Steve out of the office and down a hallway. His chest begins to fill up with something he can't explain. It's suffocating and almost like a bubble just rising through his chest until it gets stuck in his throat. All of the emotions he'd kept inside were surfacing now that Steve was right here in front of him. Now that he was safe. The cold is returning to him in small little pricks, poking at his chest and fingertips. He needed to touch Steve before it was too late. Before he lost him again. "Murphy," he says weakly grabbing for his arm. He catches his grip as Steve's turning around and drags him toward any room hidden behind a door. No one needed to see him so vulnerable. No one but Steve. 

Javier's shoving him into the room and closing the door. Steve stumbles a little and manages to get out a "Jav-" before he's engulfed in a powerful embrace. Javier's arms are wrapped around him just below his armpits in a brutal hug. He's squeezing Steve so tight he's not sure if the man can even breath. His face immediately seeks shelter in the little dip of Steve's collarbone and he lets out a deep breath he didn't know he'd been holding. He's warm again, so warm, and it makes him never want to let go. Steve's arms come up to loosely come around Javier's shoulder. He holds him closer once he realizes this isn't just a normal hug. "Peña what's going on? You're shaking."

Javier hadn't realized he was trembling under Steve's touch. He knows his tears haven't fallen yet. He wouldn't let them. Not until he was in the privacy of his apartment with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He takes a shuddering breath and tries to calm his body down. "Me asustaste hasta la muerte. I thought you were fucking dead. No me hagas eso otra vez. Por favor." Javier's voice was small and muffled into Steve's skin, but he heard his words clear as day.

Steve rubs a hand over Javier's back, feeling him shiver with relief. "You know I didn't mean to. I'm sorry Javi. I'll be more careful next time I'm opening the garage." Javier can hear him smiling toward the end of his words, assuring him that everything is okay. Steve is alright. "I'm guessing it wasn't you then," he says quietly. 

Javier finally pulls away from him slowly. He keeps his hands on his shoulders. "¿Qué quieres decir?"

Steve looks sheepish and has to look away from Javier's curious eyes. "Herrera had my kill photos and tape of me giving Carrillo the go-ahead. Someone gave them to him to use as leverage."

Javier takes his hands away from him. "And you thought it was me? You think I would do something like that to you?" His voice sounds hurt, and it makes Steve close his eyes in regret. He never thought Javier could do something like that. Especially to his own partner. 

"You and Carrillo were the only ones who knew exactly what happened. You knew I had those photos and you have contact with Navegante. It was the only explanation that made sense at the time. I'm sorry." Steve looks pleading and sincere behind his exhausted eyes. Javier knows that he never meant any harm. 

"You should go home and sleep. I'll figure it out. Thanks for the hug, partner." He leaves the room without another word or glance to Steve. He's feeling cold again.

Javier spends the rest of the night at the Embassy searching through files, recorded audio tapes, and carefully examining the security videos that show most of their office. It hurts him that Steve could even think Javier would ever put him in danger, put his life at risk. He doesn't blame him though. Javier had said he was all in, and he wasn't afraid of getting dirty as long as it didn't involve Steve. He'd never be able to live with himself if something happened to that man. 

He stops at a convenience store on his way back to his apartment. He grabs a cheap bottle of tequila, another pack of smokes, and some frozen burritos. He realizes he hasn't eaten anything today. Between his frantic searching and overwhelming worry, he doesn't think he would've been able to stomach any of it anyway. 

His hands are full as he not very gracefully gets his door unlocked and trudges inside. He feels exhausted all of a sudden, but his damn heart is still beating so fast. He can't understand why he's still worked up over everything that happened today. He knows Steve is safe, so why can't he just calm down?

Javier sets his bag of groceries on the counter and tosses a manila envelope onto his coffee table. He pulls a smoke with a sigh. He doesn't even feel like putting his burritos in the microwave or eating them, so he sets them in the freezer and takes his bottle of tequila to the couch. He's gone through two cigarettes by them time he feels like actually opening the bottle. He's about to when there's a knock at his door. He sighs, knowing that Steve is the only one who'd knock on his door after midnight. He lights another smoke before heading to the door. Javier only opens it a few inches as he blows smoke out toward his partner's face. "¿Qué?" he says. He notices that Steve looks even more exhausted than before with deep bruises under his eyes and creased lines over his forehead. "I though I told you to get some sleep?" 

Steve shrugs at him apologetically. "I couldn't. Can I come in?"

Javier thinks about it for a second as he takes a deep inhale from his cigarette. He narrows his eyes slightly and asks, "Why? You going to accuse me of something else?"

Steve looks desperately at Javier with his shoulders slumped. "I said I was sorry. I heard you coming home and wanted to come check on you. You seemed more broken up about all this than I did, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Javier puts out his cigarette in the little ash tray that sits on a shelf beside his door. He doesn't want to argue with Steve or talk about his feelings right now. He knows his partner didn't mean to cause him pain or worry. "I'm fine."

"You were terrified today. Your hands are shaking."

Javier glances down at his hand on the door and notices the tremble in his fingers. He tightens his grip to make it go away and swallows something caught in his throat. "No they're not. I just need another smoke," he whispers the last part and turns from the door to just be left alone. He doesn't make it far when the door is shoved open and he's pulled into Steve's chest. He tries to pry himself away at first, pushing at Steve's chest, but quickly stops when the warmth starts to spread through him. It melts his entire body with comfort and reassurance. Javier has no choice but to wrap his arms around the man and nose his way into the crook of his neck. He smells slightly of oranges with a hint of cinnamon and a flower Javier can't identify at the moment. He can't help the way his fingers curl around the fabric of Steve's shirt and tug him closer. The smell is intoxicating and the warmth overwhelming. He's never felt such serenity in his life until he found Steve's embrace.

A thumb comes to rub across the hairline at Javier's neck. A deep sigh escapes him as he leans further into Steve's touch. "Everything's alright Jav," he whispers into his hair, "I'm right here, and I don't plan on going anywhere else." 

Javier closes his eyes against Steve's skin, breathing in his comfort. "I want you to stay with me tonight," he says so quietly that Steve almost misses it. 

"I told you I'm not going anywhere." Steve gently takes him by the shoulders as they both part. He looks relieved and his eyes are full of what Steve hopes to be affection. "You want to sit? Watch something?" 

"Yeah," Javier replies. He feels his heart finally slow back to normal for the first time today. His muscles aren't tense, and he knows he's no longer shaking. "Yeah. Yeah that's good. I'm not ready to sleep."

Steve squeezes his shoulder once then leads them toward the couch where they sit side by side. Their thighs and shoulders are barely touching, but Javier still basks in that warmth. Steve picks up the TV remote and catches sight of the unopened bottle of tequila sitting in front of him. "Were you planning on drinking that tonight?"

Javier glances toward it before retuning to the changing channels of the TV. "Not anymore."

Steve grabs the bottle and sets in on the floor to the side of the couch. "Good. You don't need it anyway."

Javier smokes another cigarette as they watch some Spanish program in a comfortable silence. Their bodies are fully pressed up against each other's side and neither of them know who's to blame. Javier feels his eyes begin to droop after they've watched an entire episode of whatever's on. He's about to let sleep overtake him when Steve clears his throat beside him. "¿Puedo sostener tu mano?" he asks. It's quiet, timid, and rushed, like he was afraid to say it. The way it sounded coming out of his mouth made Javier wince a little. His accent was absolutely horrendous but the words sounded rehearsed, like Steve had practiced saying it many times before.

Javier turns his head to look at him with a slight quirk of his upper lip. His face is slightly flushed and his eyes nervous. Javier flips the hand resting on his thigh palm-up, nodding at Steve. "If you want to." He watches Steve's fingers twitch before he's reaching out, sliding his palm over his own hand and threading their fingers together. His hand is rough and sends tingles all through Javier's arm. He swallows the gasp that wants to escape his throat at the tenderness of Steve's touch. That man is going to be the death of him. 

Javier reaches for another cigarette to calm the butterflies of nerves in his stomach that Steve's intimate touch is producing. He lights it with his free hand and attempts to focus back on the TV. He can feel Steve's gaze on him, but he refuses to meet his eyes. He's halfway through his cigarette when it's plucked from his lips and replaced with Steve's mouth. The kiss is so quick that Javier has no time to kiss back or even react for that matter. He just sits there dumbly staring at the TV with a tingle in his lips. "You know," Steve says sounding bashful, "you shouldn't smoke so many of these in a night." Javier finally looks at him with slightly widened eyes. The guy just gave him a fucking peck on the lips and wants to lecture him about smoking. Steve gives him a small smile as he takes a drag from the cigarette. Javier can't help but glance to his lips and then finds himself unable to look away. "Why don't you tell me about your plants over there?"

Javier watches his lips move with every word and is barely able to even understand them. "Plants?" he asks. His voice is slightly rough and so so small.

Steve inhales another puff of smoke and squeezes Javier's hand, forcing him to meet his eyes. "Your plants," he says pointing somewhere beyond Javier with the cigarette, "the one hanging by the window and the little flower in the vase on the sill." He lays his head on the back of the couch close to Javier's head. "Tell me about them."

Javier glances again at Steve's lips. He can smell the faint orange radiating from his skin. "My plants," he says slowly. He looks over to where Steve had pointed earlier and nods. "Yes. The hanging one-" he stops abruptly when Steve's other hand runs across his clothed stomach and hooks around his side. He tugs him closer and moves his head from the couch the Javier's shoulder. "That...that one is a tillandsia aeranthos. It's an air plant, and they only bloom once in their lifetime." Steve hums and starts rubbing his thumb over a sliver of skin at Javier's side. "The flower is a carnation. They were my mother's favorite. I have a yellow one in the vase right now. Yellow carnations symbolize rejection or disappointment, but I like the color." 

"I didn't know the colors meant something."

"They all do." Javier turns back to look at Steve laying on his shoulder. His eyes are bright and seem almost happy. Javier furrows his brows. "You kissed me."

Steve grins up at him with a look of mischief. "I did."

A small laugh escapes Javier's lips. He tightens his grip on the hand in is. "¿Me besas otra vez?"

Steve frowns at him. "I don't know what that-" and then Javier's lips are on his, slow and sweet. It's a gentle kiss with no rush or immediate release. Just lips moving in-sync, tasting the breadth of each other. "Oh," Steve whispers when Javier languidly pulls away. He presses his nose into Steve's hair with a smile.

"Do you understand what it means now?" The hand at Javier's waist smooths up his body until it's resting at the back of his neck. 

"Yes." And Steve kisses him again. 

Javier isn't sure when exactly he falls asleep on Steve's shoulder, but he does know he's not on the couch anymore when movement makes him stir slightly. He immediately recognizes that's he's being carried and tightens his grip around whatever he was already holding on to. "Shh, it's okay," he hears above his head, "I'm just taking you to the bed." He loosens his grip at the sound of Steve's quiet voice as the smell of orange and cinnamon washes over him again. He would open his eyes, but he's too sleepy.

He vaguely feels himself being laid on the bed and sighs at how soft the comforter is. The blankets come overtop him as he feels hands tucking him further into the warmth of his bed. A firm kiss is placed on his temple before he hears footsteps leaving the room. He doesn't want Steve to go. He promised he wasn't going anywhere. "Necesito...," he manages. His throat feels dry, and he keeps drifting in and out of sleep. The footsteps quietly return and a hand gently brushes his face. He hums softly at the touch.

"What do you need? Are you thirsty?" his voice is quiet, and Javier can feel his breath ghosting over his forehead.

He makes a disapproving noise in his throat and scrunches his nose. "Un beso. Necesito un beso. Dame uno." Steve is silent and unmoving for longer than Javier likes. The poor guy is just trying to remember what the fuck a beso is. Javier's eyes regretfully flutter open and his tongue darts out to wet his lips. Steve looks as tired as he feels. "Dame un beso." Steve's face finally turns into recognition, and he carefully leans down to kiss Javier goodnight as sweetly as he can. Javier makes another noise as Steve pulls away. "¿Me abrazarás? Estoy borracho en tu calor."

Steve gives him a pitying look at the sleepiness of his voice. "Jav, you know I don't underst-"

"Hold me," he whispers. His eyes close on their own accord, but he can still feel Steve's hand caressing his face.

"You....you want me to lay with you?" 

"Siempre." He feels the bed dip beside him, and then there's a warm hand reaching for his arm. 

"I didn't want to just climb in and assume that's what you wanted." There's no reply, so Steve runs his hand over Javier's chest and pulls him into his body. He wraps both of his arms around his plaint body and fits his chin on top of his head. He feels Javier's arms slowly move so one's draped over his waist and the other trapped between their bodies. "Is this comfortable enough?" But Javier is already sleeping. 

Javier is alone in the bed when he wakes the next morning. His eyes are heavy and his arm feels cramped from being in a weird position. He groans, sitting up in the bed, and snatches a cigarette from the box he keeps on his nightstand. He doesn't think of much as he sits there smoking with his droopy eyes. The only thing on his mind is that Steve is once again gone, and he never thought it'd hurt as much as this after what they shared the night before. Javier should've known better. Steve had come by to make sure he was alright. He just comforted him in the only way he knew how.

"Murphy?" he calls hopefully when he leaves the bedroom. There's no answer, and Javier feels dejected when he confirms he is the only one in his apartment. Steve is gone. 

Perhaps the yellow carnation fits the situation after all. 

Javier mindlessly scrubs at his body and conditions his hair as he tries not to drown in his thoughts while showering. He doesn't want to think too much about anything or his heart is going to hurt more than it already does. "Jav?" he hears above the water. Javier pulls the shower curtains back just enough to stick his head through and finds a smiling Steve. "Hey, there you are." He walks up to him, grabbing Javier's wet face, and quickly kisses his lips. "I went and got breakfast. It's ready when you're done." Then he's gone again, and Javier's just standing there with his head sticking out of the curtains. 

Steve's sitting at the table with two styrofoam containers of something and two plastic cups of coffee from the place Javier likes. "What did you get?" he asks.

Steve looks up from his coffee with a smile. "Fried eggs, some steak, and arepas." 

Javier hums. "Ah, you know me so well Agent Murphy." He sits next to Steve at the table and they eat in silence for a while, both occasionally sipping at their coffee.

"¿Qué te pasa hoy?" Steve asks quietly after they're both nearly done. 

"I thought you didn't know any Spanish?"

"Javi."

"Nothing." He wipes his mouth with a napkin, shoving the empty container away from, and pulls out a cigarette. Steve gives him a disapproving look, but he lights it anyway. "I just thought maybe you left is all."

Steve's eyes soften and he reaches forward to grab one of Javier's hands. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

"I know, I know. Thank you by the way. For staying, and for taking care of me. I'm a fucking mess, but I just get worse without you." The grip on his hand tightens for only a second, then a finger under his chin makes him turn his head back toward Steve. He plucks the cigarette from Javier's mouth - much like he did the day before - and kisses him lightly.

"I brought you flowers," he says against Javier's lips. He brings the cigarette to his own lips, taking a slow pull from it, and returns it to Javier. 

Javier raises a brow. "Oh really? What for?"

Steve's face flushes a slight pink as he tugs on Javier's hand. "To show you something."

He follows Steve toward the windowsill with a small laugh. "What could you possibly-Oh my," he whispers. There's a black vase of what has to be at least thirty carnations sitting next to his lone yellow one. It's a mixture of whites, dark pinks, light and dark reds. They're all bundled together and fanning out over the edge of the vase. "Oh my," he whispers again, reaching a hand out to gently rub a petal between his fingers. 

"Do you like them?" Steve asks quietly. He's standing behind Javier with his thumbs twiddling together. He's nervous, and Javier finds that heart-wrenching.

"Like them? Steve I-" he looks from the flowers and back to his partner's bright eyes. "Do you know what they mean?" 

"Yes."

"Dime."

"You already know."

"I want to hear you say it." Steve stares at his hands for a few long seconds before walking up behind Javier and setting his hands on his waist. He rests his chin on Javier's shoulder with a deep sigh.

"The white ones: purity, pure love, and prosperous life. The dark pinks: tenderness, fondness, and blooming love. The light reds: admiration, adoration, and subtle love. The dark ones: passionate emotion, deep affection, and love. I wanted to show you that I do care about you and that I do hold love for you, because I knew you'd doubt it the second we were apart." He squeezes Javier's hips for emphasis. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere."

Javier turns in Steve's grip to kiss him hard, his hands coming up to cup his face and his teeth biting down on his plush bottom lip. Steve makes a small noise that urges Javier to lick into his mouth and taste the bitter coffee he'd been drinking only five minutes ago. He hums at the intoxicating taste of Steve and the orangey scent of his warm skin wafting into his nose. His entire body is tingling at the touch of Steve and the way it drives him completely mad. He's lost in this man's existence. 

Javier eventually pulls slightly away, resting their foreheads together with his hands still cupping Steve's face. "Suena sexy cuando me hablas de flores. Mi corazón está lleno de amor por ti." 

Steve laughs lightly into the small space between them. "Quit doing that Jav. I don't know what you're saying."

"I love you too." 

Steve reaches his own hand up to caress Javier's face, kissing him again with all the adoration he's able to muster. "We should probably go or we'll be late to work," he says against his lips. 

Javier sighs and gives him one last small peck. "Let's go then." They start grabbing their things to leave when Javier notices the manila envelope he'd tossed onto the coffee table the night before. "Wait," he calls to Steve. He picks up the envelope and holds it out to him. "This is for you."

Steve takes it with furrowed brows. "What is it?"

"Proof that I didn't sell you out." 

Steve's face falls. "I told you-"

"I spent all last night trying to figure out who it was. I completely forgot about it when you knocked on the door. It was some jackass from the CIA who does the fly-overs. He recorded their call to you about Poison and then also recorded your call to Carrillo. I caught him on the security tapes sneaking into your desk to steal those photos. I told you to shred them and you didn't listen." Steve looks sheepish at that. He knows that he never listens to Javier.

"So, what's all in here?"

"Copy of the security recording and a tape from my interrogation."

Steve's eyes widen. "You interrogated him?"

Javier shrugs. "He messed with the wrong DEA agents. I wasn't going to let that slide. He's lucky all I did was interrogate him." Steve's looking at him with such fondness that Javier can't help but blush a little. "What?"

"Nothing." Steve kisses the back of his hand when he grabs it and leads them both out the door before they really are late to work. 

Javier feels warm when he steps outside.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know why but i go feral when they ask each other for kisses in spanish. sue me
> 
> I've been in a very bad place this past week but you guys are my comfort<3


End file.
